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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I hit up Rua da Igreja. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t love a good church vibe? But then, bam! I trip over a cobblestone. Like, who even put these here? I’m pretty sure they’re out to get me. I’m all like, “Great start, genius.”

Bands from all over the country parade in Lisbon on December 1st